The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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