Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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