Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
