note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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