I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
