i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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