She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I wear drunk well.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
