I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
