Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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