Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
