Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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