I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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