just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
