theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
