What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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