I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
