Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
