Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
