If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
