she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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