I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
