Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
