found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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