I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think I just sharted jello shots
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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