i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
