whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
