Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I didn't notice because vodka
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
