If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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