My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
