She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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