Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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