We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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