I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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