The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
