I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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