Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
