all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Girls should come with a carfax report
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
