I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
