If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
