about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
