I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
