When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
