I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
