we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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