two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
