just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
