i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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