I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
