her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
