I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
